So ends my first full day of classes. Including the classes from Thursday, I've officially been to every single of the classes that I will be taking this year. I come home from a 11-hour school day tired, drained, and with a headache that I suspect will grow throughout the semester. Having collected all of the syllabi for my classes, I see my list of assignments, projects, and readings, slowly stacking up into a massive and intimidating mountain.
The only way I can accurately describe the feelings that I am going through right now would be to relate it to being on the initial climb up of a steep roller coaster hill. I'm going up and up and the certainty of the drop ahead of me makes me both nauseous and terrified. Feelings such as "I want out" and "What did I get myself into?" come to mind over and over again. Yet the knowledge of the thrill of the ride and the joy and laughter waiting at the end keep me from jumping ship. In a similar fashion, I both anticipate and dread this coming semester. Being the youngest in my class (I have people in my class that can be my pastor, my dad, my grandmother, etc.), I feel that I have little to offer in terms of knowledge and wisdom. Having to learn new languages (Greek, Hebrew) seem impossible in light of my present difficulty learning Japanese. Community groups, detailed life sharing, and class retreats terrify the introvert in me.
Yet as much as I dread all of these things to come, I can see what is awaiting me at the end. I was reminded today of the origin of the word "theology." I'm not here to learn Christian teachings and doctrines. I am here to study God, to understand Him better, to become deeper and deeper in love with Him. And if at the end of this 4 year journey through seminary I fail to have that, something has gone terribly wrong. In all of this studying, sharing, memorizing, passing (and possibly failing), there must lie a deeper significance than merely academics or training to become a pastor/missionary.
The days that are given to me are precious ones, and at the start of this journey into a growing knowledge of both God and myself, my inner and outer world, I pray that I do not get caught in just the smaller details, but am able to see the bigger picture of it all; that a school of theology isn't primarily about exegesis, hermeneutics, Greek, or Hebrew. It is about theology. It is about knowing God.
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がんばって ください！
：）